


Fuck You, Evan

by prompt_soybean



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Brief Mention of Vomit, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Thoughts of Suicide, also for chapter two, happy endings, i had some trouble writing this bc it got a little too real for me, jared has a cat, lots of fighting (stressful situations), now time for some warnings, talk of past suicide, this is angsty so please beware, this is just evil i feel bad for writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-11 14:09:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11150040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prompt_soybean/pseuds/prompt_soybean
Summary: Jared was sick of everything; school, The Connor Project, living. He'd been involved in this huge scam for a few months now and he could not take it anymore. Even though he never liked the asshole, he did feel somewhat remorseful for being a part of this. But most of the pity was for himself. Evan managed to suck him into this and now he was stuck in a lie.(Jared and Evan fight in a bathroom and Jared reveals more than he would have liked to)





	1. Words Fail

**Author's Note:**

> this was my first request on a03! so thank you to the person who requested, i hope this is satisfactory (although i wouldn't blame you if it's not, this is not a happy fic). there will probably be at least one more chapter to lighten things up, but at the moment this is all i have. if you'd like to speak with me on my tumblr or request anything, be sure to check it out! there, i also have random reblogs that i could use as prompts, so if you'd prefer to request that way, you are able to.  
> tumblr: prompt-soybean

Jared was sick of everything; school, The Connor Project, living. He'd been involved in this huge scam for a few months now and he could not take it anymore. Even though he never liked the asshole, he did feel somewhat remorseful for being a part of this. But most of the pity was for himself. Evan managed to suck him into this and now he was stuck in a lie. 

Thoughts about why he was so willing to go along with the project clouded his mind; maybe it was for a social presence, maybe it was because he needed something to do. Most likely, it was due to the fact that he didn't have any friends. It sounds petty, but it eventually caught up to him. Evan was always willing to start a friendship. Too bad he couldn't have figured himself out sooner; before Evan became so infatuated with the idea of Connor. Jared was always there, yet Evan chose to make up an entire persona based on a dead kid who was an asshole. The thoughts always change course and evolve into vicious questions that mauled the small bit of genuine emotion he had left. Was he just not good enough to interact with people? Was it because he couldn't express his feelings without being a dick about it? Or could it possibly be that he somehow managed to be worse than Connor?

  
"Hey, could we talk. Just for a second, I know you're probably busy but," Evan stammered quietly. Jared knew he should probably fix the disgusted look on his face, but he didn't bother.

  
"Sure," he scoffed. Evan nodded and started walking toward the bathrooms. Jared stared at him for a few seconds before following him. Why was he even surprised? Evan always expected people to follow him without anymore detail than 'hey, I need to speak with you'.

  
"What do you want?" Jared said, half whispering, half yelling. Evan looked away and started to fidget with the sleeve of his jacket. Typically, Jared would never rush Evan when it took him a minute to speak, but Jared didn't typically get dragged into the bathroom to have a 'talking to'. "Do you have anything to say, or can I leave now?" Jared spat, raising an eyebrow. Evan clearly went into a panic and tried to spit out words that hadn't fully formed. But at the moment, Jared couldn't care less. He had dealt with this bullshit for long enough.

  
"Well, yeah-I get that- I just," Evan stammered. Every time the two would make eye contact, Evan would sort of flinch away and look back at his hands. Jared instantly felt like an asshole.

  
_This is why you could never be proper friends with him; you treat him like garbage and expect empty apologies to make up for it,_ Jared mentally berated himself. He only rejoined his conversation with Evan when he heard 'The Connor Project'. Evan noticed this and his anxiety slowly melted into annoyance.

  
"So that's all you care about? The project?" Evan spoke, regaining his voice. Jared sighed in frustration.

  
"Funny that you should ask me, I'm not the one using a suicide to get close with the dead kid's sister. That's pretty fucked, Evan, don't you think?" Jared said through gritted teeth. "I never gave a fuck about the project! I figured I should just be 'nice' or whatever and try to get you not to do this stupid shit. But somehow, here I am, stuck in the middle of this fucking scam," Jared huffed. The volume of his voice was obviously upsetting the other boy, but before he got time to somehow show remorse, Evan interrupted.

  
"Yeah, Jared. It is fucked up. And honestly, I hate the fact that all of this happened the way it did. Everything could have gone so much smoother if you hadn't have gotten involved." Evan's voice was still shaking, but it was getting straight to the point.

  
"How was I supposed to 'not get involved'? You called me to tell me that you fucked up and you expect me to fix it for you. Fucking newsflash, Evan, I can't fix all your problems!" Jared was slowly becoming more and more intense as Evan spoke up.

  
"If you hate me so much then why don't you just stay away from me? I swear, Jared, even I'm not this clingy. And it's great to know how you really feel about the whole thing, because the reason I was going to talk to you about in the first place was the fact that _I don't need you anymore. I didn't need you to begin with_ ," Evan was sure to emphasize the last few phrases. Jared knew he had tears in his eyes but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything, because every time he tried, he ended up in a huge mess anyway.

  
"Did it ever dawn on you that maybe I stuck around because I cared about you? Or worse, I actually thought you were my friend? Excuse me for trying to make up for all the shitty things I said before; for trying to actually learn something from an experience," Jared was shouting now, tears threatening to spill. "Sorry for thinking I actually had somewhat of a purpose. Sorry for not knowing how to express my feelings. Is that what it is? You're not the _only_ one who has problems, Evan. It's sad that you can't fucking see that," Jared's said, voice cracking.

  
"If you cared about me then why would you help with this? You helped the problem escalate out of control. And I probably would have forgiven you if you had actually apologized. Are you just jealous that I am finally satisfied with my life?" Evan was keeping his voice lower than Jared's, but he was shouting nonetheless. The questions, the loud echos off the tiles, the tears; it was all to much. Jared's mind filled with heinous thoughts, but he kept those to himself. The Jared Project has a ring to it.

  
"I'm sorry okay? I get it! I'm fuckin' selfish and I did this all for my benefit. I don't think you quite understand what my _'benefit'_ is, Evan. I know I did all this for myself! I figured _maybe_ if I helped you be happy then I wouldn't be so fucking depressed. I figured _maybe_ if I helped you I would be enough to be your friend," Jared paused for a split second and thought whether or not he should bring a certain topic into this, but in the moment, all rational judgments were pushed aside. "I figured _maybe_ if I got you with Zoe then I wouldn't love you anymore. Do you understand how hard the past _seven years_ have been? What, you thought I hated myself because I have no friends? Or because everyone thinks I'm a freak? Open your fucking eyes, Evan."

  
Evan took a step back and looked at him with an expression that Jared couldn't decipher. Shame began to fill Jared's stomach when he noticed he had started crying. The bathroom was quiet, with the exception of his occasional sobs and sniffles. He felt like he was going to throw up. He just wanted to go home and lock himself in his room until the sun burned out. He knew that Evan wasn't going to say anything else so he figured he should just let it all out and deal with the consequences later.

  
"I know- _I fucking know_ -that it's gross, alright? I hate it, too. Maybe you'll fucking realize why I was such an asshole all the time! The logic of 'be super rude to someone you like so you make yourself think that you're totally straight' was such a great idea. Because, hey, maybe if I help someone else sort their life out I won't have to think about mine!" Jared could not think of any words that could actually convey his feelings-as per the usual. He just stood, helplessly trying to avoid eye contact. He could never make eye contact with anyone ever again.

  
"Jared, do you wanna try maybe, I don't know-" Evan started to say something but was instantly cut off. Jared couldn't take anymore of this little chat; he couldn't keep taking in information that proved everyone hated him as much as he hated himself.

  
"Fuck you, Evan," Jared said as firmly as possible. Heading back to the hallways, he wiped his face on his sleeve. He knew once he left this bathroom, he'd just go to another one in the building and hide for the rest of the day. This is why he always kept his mouth shut and his feelings in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Dare I Say, Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lunch period had approximately ten minutes before its end, and Jared intended to take advantage of the empty hallways. His destination had changed from another bathroom to the nurse's office. Kids always go in there to skip class an smoke; and Jared did not want to see people ever again. Laughter and yelling seeped from the cafeteria, causing Jared to walk faster. Everything was just too much.
> 
> (Jared breaks down in the nurse's office and someone decides to help him out)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be one last chapter in this story! i know this is not what you all expected (or wanted) but i wanted the story to flow somewhat naturally. i try my best to keep all characters in character, so pardon me if everything seems a bit bland.
> 
> feel free to visit my tumblr!: prompt-soybean  
> i'd love to talk with you! feel free to drop a request for fics/headcanons or just to come and talk!  
> anyway, i hope this will tide you all over until i finish the final chapter :)  
> (also, i apologize for how short this chapter is. it takes place in ten minutes, i felt i should clarify)

The lunch period had approximately ten minutes before its end, and Jared intended to take advantage of the empty hallways. His destination had changed from another bathroom to the nurse's office. Kids always go in there to skip class an smoke; and Jared did not want to see people ever again. Laughter and yelling seeped from the cafeteria, causing Jared to walk faster. Everything was just too much.

  
Once he reached the office, he slumped over in a chair in the so called 'waiting room' of the office. Jared composed himself the best he could when he heard the nurse shuffling over to him.

  
"What's the problem, kiddo?" she said, sighing. Jared took a second to compose a story that would be good enough to keep him here for the rest of the day.

  
"I think I got the flu from my brother. I thought it might be better to stay here so I don't throw up in a classroom," Jared lied. He was so sick of lying. The Connor Project was one thing, but having to lie to himself for almost his entire life was different. It was tiring. You can only hide from yourself for so long.

  
"Alright, sweetheart, do you want crackers or Tums?" the nurse asked. Jared took two crackers and trudged into the darker room attached to the main office. There were three bed-like cots in the room. The room itself reeked of germs and illness. Jared opted to take the cot closest to the wall.

  
Jared was thankful that he couldn't see himself in that moment; the sight of some kid curled up in the corner of the nurse's office, slowly deteriorating. He didn't even have the energy to cry anymore. Gazing out over the sad little hospital beds, Jared was enveloped by both a feeling of emptiness, and feeling overwhelmed. The feelings were always there, but now they hit him like a train. They fogged up his glasses, made his limbs go limp, and made every minute of his life a living hell.

  
"Jared?" a soft voice spoke out from the main office. He didn't answer, instead he resorted to nibbling on a saltine. Alana rounded the corner and carefully made her way over to Jared. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Are you feeling alright? You look a bit sickly," she said before taking an ibuprofen. "Who knew that migraines could be helpful?"  
Jared compressed himself further into the corner, hiding his face in his knees. He felt like an idiot, but what else is new? Alana shifted slightly before continuing the one-sided conversation.

  
"I don't know if he told you this yet, but Evan decided that we are both dismissed from The Connor Project. I was looking for you in hopes of discussing the issue. I'm torn as to whether we tell everyone that everything was a lie or we let him tell everyone and make an ass of himself. As awful as it sounds, I vote for the latter because in the event that everyone is dealing with him, the some of the ridicule will be taken off of us. Now that I know we were both fucked over by this, I was hoping that maybe we could be more than acquaintances-dare I say friends?" Alana spoke, but Jared was barely paying attention.

  
" _You_ want to be friends with _me_?" Jared asked, staring up at her through tear-coated glasses. She nodded and looked concerned when she studied his face more. Her eyes moved down to her hands and Jared could see that her breath was coming up short.

  
"You say that like I'm a wonderful person, Jared. While I can acknowledge my academic achievements, there is not much else that I can be proud of. The main reason I invested myself in the Connor Project is because I just wanted to be a part of something that could actually make a difference. Being intelligent doesn't get you friends, Jared. All it gets you is people pretending to like you so you can do all the work in group projects," Alana said, practically at a whisper. "I legitimately want to be friends with you, Jared. It's clear that we both need support and I am willing to help you. I won't be very good at helping at first, but I hope that over time I can make a positive impact."

  
Jared wanted to decline the offer. His mind doubted every aspect of this. But the more he thought about Alana's words, the more he believed her. He could tell by her body language alone that she had self-doubt like he had. Self-doubt is something that you cannot fake. Jared barely felt any better, but it's more than nothing. Given his already emotional state, he reacted more severely than he would have on a normal day. He closed his eyes tight as tears began to flow once again. He hoped the room was dark enough so Alana didn't have to see how much of a mess he was.

  
Apparently, it wasn't dark enough, as she switched beds in order to sit next to Jared. Everything just made him cry harder. Every bit of sympathy, compassion, and concern from Alana made his feelings fluctuate in a way that was indescribable. Alana awkwardly placed an arm around Jared's shoulder.

  
"I'm sorry that things are so tough right now," she cooed. "Forgive me for asking, but is there something in particular that's bothering you? I'm sensing that the problem at hand has been around for much longer than today; and that it runs deeper than a 'bad day'," Alana murmured. Jared didn't trust his voice, so he resorted to nodding his head. Alana hummed and pulled Jared closer to her. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked carefully.

  
"No," Jared sobbed quietly, his voice breaking. Just thinking about what happened sent dread through his bloodstream. Thinking about what would happen from here on out only intensified his nervous collapse.

  
"Jared, it's alright, we don't have to talk about anything you don't want to," Alana said gently, wrapping her other arm around him. The hug was awkward but it didn't matter to him. The fact that he was actually being shown genuine affection was overwhelming.

  
The hallways filled with the chatter of students as lunch was dismissed. The bell rang announcing that it was time for more classes; time for more embarrassment and suffering.

  
"Oh my goodness, I hate to do this to you, but I have a really big test in trigonometry and there's no other time I can make it up. I promise that I will make it up to you. Maybe we can get together over the weekend or something along those lines. If you need anything, don't be afraid to call," Alana apologized. Although Jared knew his voice was still unstable, he felt like he needed to say something.

  
"No worries, I understand," he rasped. "I wouldn't want you to miss a test." Alana hugged him tighter before releasing him from her arms. She smiled warmly, waved, and stepped out of the dark room.

  
Jared felt somewhat better, knowing that he had someone he could call his friend; but he still felt awful about the fact that he admitted to not only himself, but Evan as well. His feelings were easy to suppress for a while because he could just ignore them, cover them up, or make up excuses for himself. But now that Jared had admitted to his thoughts and he acknowledged they were there, he couldn't just shrug them off. They were floating out in the open now.

  
_How the hell will I get out of this?_

  
He figured that the school nurse's office was not the best place to think about life-threatening problems, so his brain mulled over different ways he could get sent home early. The conclusion was easily drawn; he just had to throw up to 'prove' he had 'the flu'. The only problem with this plan is that he would have to find some way to induce the vomiting. Despite how much he despised the idea of sticking fingers down his throat, he decided that it was worth it if he got to leave school for a few days. It was worth it if he could run from his problems for one last time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for being patient with me. i have a mass amount of homework to do for my honors classes and i have been trying to work on them periodically. i hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> also, if you are reading this, i sincerely thank you for taking the time to read this. every comment motivates me to take pride in my work and to produce more content. i appreciate all of you! :)


	3. You Love Me, Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was something so surreal about going home early during a school day; you still checked to see when the periods would end, you still felt like you had to pay attention. Jared didn't mind this feeling at all. He was just glad to be home. The nurse had tried to call his mother, but she didn't answer. He just decided to lie and say that a friend was picking him up, when in reality he had to walk home. There was something hilariously ironic about himself having to walk home, crying and alone.
> 
> (Jared goes home early and gets an unexpected visitor)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've finally gotten to the last chapter! sorry it took so long, i ran into a bit of a writer's block. thank you for reading this far, it means the world to me. and also, to the person who requested this (you know who you are :) ) thank you so much for requesting this! i had a good time writing it and i hope it's satisfactory.  
> since this fic is coming to a close, i will need more requests (since i love to write what people want). on my tumblr, i reblog certain posts that i take inspiration from and that i would be able to turn into fics. if you'd like, you can choose one you'd like, or request one that you'd personally like to see. i always give tumblr as an option if so if you'd like to remain anonymous you are able to.  
> and of course you can always leave a request here! however, if you'd like headcanons, i will answer those on tumblr due to organization, so please send them there.  
> (this list is on my tumblr, but for those who don't want to visit-no worries:)-the musicals that i will write for are be more chill, dear evan hansen, and the book of mormon)
> 
> tumblr: prompt-soybean

There was something so surreal about going home early during a school day; you still checked to see when the periods would end, you still felt like you had to pay attention. Jared didn't mind this feeling at all. He was just glad to be home. The nurse had tried to call his mother, but she didn't answer. He just decided to lie and say that a friend was picking him up, when in reality he had to walk home. There was something hilariously ironic about himself having to walk home, crying and alone.

  
Jared curled up in a blanket on the couch and continued to mope about his problems. White trash television shows cast a sad glow over the room. He had pulled all the curtains shut, all the lights turned off, and his phone powered down. The outside world was something that he didn't want to have contact for a while. All he needed was his cat and a Dr. Phil marathon. Seeing how shitty other peoples' lives were had calming properties; probably something to do with the fact that 'at least it wasn't him'. It made him feel more pathetic in the sense that his life was not nearly as bad as the lives other people were living, so why is complaining so much? He had a nice suburban home, his parents were still together, and his grades were average.

  
A soft cry sounded from the general direction of the coffee table. Jared lifted his head and saw his first true friend; his petite, albino cat, Princess. He smiled for the first time in a while. She meowed and made her way over to the couch.

  
"You love me right?" Jared asked softly, freeing an arm from his blanket cocoon. Princess pressed her face into his hand before jumping up on the couch and laying down on his stomach. She had been adopted into the family about two years ago when one of his mom's co-workers couldn't keep her anymore. Originally, the plan was to keep Princess until they found another place for her to go, but Jared refused to let her go anywhere.

  
He went on to tell his cat about what happened earlier that day. It gave him comfort knowing that Princess would love him no matter what. Meanwhile, Princess was purring like an engine, enjoying the pats and ear scratches.

  
"I mean, can you believe that? Now everyone's gonna know that I-" Jared's rant was cut short when he reached this point in the story. Despite knowing that Princess wouldn't judge him, he still had to deal with judgement from himself. Princess was starting to fall asleep, but she lifted her head when he stopped talking. She trilled in question. "Well, y'know," Jared prompted. He really didn't want to say it out loud. Princess stared at him, kneading at the blanket patiently. "Everyone's gonna know that I like guys, alright? There's probably rumors flying around already. I can never show my face there again," Jared's voice trailed off and his attention slowly fell back to the garbage on the television. Through the window, he could hear the school bus drive up to the bus stop by his house.

  
A few moments after the bus left the area, Jared heard a knock at the door. Anxiety slowly rose in his stomach, so he didn't bother to answer the door. Plus, Princess was asleep; and Jared would never push his precious baby away. The door opened softly and footsteps shuffled across the carpet.

  
"Jared?" Jared froze at the sound of his name; and at the voice which said it. He sighed and gently told Princess that she had to move. When she refused, he resorted to lifting her and putting her on one of the throw pillows.

  
"Why the fuck are you in my house?" Jared demanded. He turned around and saw Evan standing in the doorway. Through the screen door, Jared could see that it was raining.  
"Did you not see my texts? I'm here because I just want to talk to you," Evan uttered. "I heard that you got sent home early and I wanted to make sure you're okay." Jared finally gathered the courage to look him in the face; Evan had a black eye and his nose was bleeding.

  
"What happened to you?" Jared asked, grabbing some tissues off the table. As much as he wanted to hate Evan, he couldn't help but to be drowned in sympathy. He rose from the couch and handed the tissues over to Evan.

  
"I told everyone the truth about what was going on, and Zoe punched me. I don't blame her, though," Evan said with a sad chuckle. Jared could see the tears pooling in the other boy's eyes. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this. I know that doesn't mean much, and even though I can't take anything back I want to make things right again." Evan continued to spout apologies of everything that had happened in the bathroom, putting all the blame on himself.

  
"Not all of it's your fault, Evan, I was being a dick. All the pent-up energy finally got to me," Jared explained. "The whole situation just got out of hand, but it's over now, okay? Sure, people are gonna be pissed, Zoe won't let it go for a while, and the kids at school will hate us even more, but the hard part is over. All there is to do now is to sit through the backlash until the whole thing blows over," Jared said in a weak attempt to comfort Evan. He frowned.

  
"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better," Evan said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Jared shrugged. The room went silent, a part from the fighting on TV. They stood awkwardly for a while, before Evan broke the silence. "I'm not going to judge you for liking boys, Jared."

  
"Oh my god, stop, I don't, alright?" Jared muttered. This was not the conversation he wanted to have with Evan, not by a long shot. He looked at the ground. Just when he was starting to feel a little better with the whole situation, it had to come back and hit him again. The topic of his sexuality was always something hard to speak about; especially when the person he was talking to was the one who made him realize it. Eye contact was not his top priority, so he opted for picking at nonexistent dirt underneath his fingernails.

  
"Jared," Evan said softly. "I'm serious. I know there's not much I can do to help you, but if it makes you feel any better, I like them too," Evan admitted. "It's not a big deal, okay?" He looked up and was met with an expression that was a mix of confusion an something else he couldn't quite name. "I did like Zoe; I do like girls. But this is different, y'know?" he paused, took a deep breath and continued. "The only reason that Zoe even went out with me was because I was lying to her. She knew me as a completely different person. Just the fact that you could like me for who I actually am made me happier than I ever was with her."

  
Jared felt his stomach flip. Too much information was being shared at once. Even though he knew he should have been totally fine now, he still felt sick. He just decided to change the subject and try to forget himself.

  
"Are you still bleeding?" he asked, trying not to sound too tired. Evan shook his head and went to throw the bloody tissues in the trash. Once he had left the room, Jared rushed over to Princess, who had peacefully slept through the whole ordeal. "Hey, are you hearing this? What should I do? I don't want to kick him out, but I also don't want to cry in front of him again. Am I taking this the wrong way? Is he even telling the truth? I can't do this anymore, Prin. You might not see me for a very long time. But I love you and I'm sure they will take care of you," Jared blurted out thoughts as they came, just wanting to get them out and keep them out. Hot tears threatened to spill for what seemed like the twentieth time that day.

  
"Hey," Evan called softly. Jared looked up at him from his current seat on the floor. How long was he standing there? He didn't even want to think about it. Another lecture was the last thing he needed right now. "Do you have any Advil? My head hurts," Evan said with a breathy laugh.

  
"Yeah, just sit down before you fall over," Jared grumbled, standing to his full height. The light from the kitchen lamp Evan had left on burned Jared's eyes. He'd been in the dark for longer than he thought. As he dug around in the medicine cupboard, he took interest in much more than just the Advil. He made the painkillers an excuse to browse the wide array of pills they had. When he'd finally found the god-forsaken Advil, he turned to head back to the living room. He stopped when he heard Evan talking.

  
"Um, hello, Princess. I know I never talk to you, but we've met a few times. Can you help me out a little bit? I don't know how to fix everything. I'm sure he told you already, but I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. I just want to take back everything that I said. None of it was true. You know that right?" Evan whispered. Princess didn't respond. "I mean, I don't even know why I said all those things. I did need him and I will need him. Not for covering a lie, but just for normal stuff, y'know? Like helping with math homework or just to hang out with. I finally understand everything but now it's too late to fix anything."

  
Jared padded into the living room with the Advil and a bottle of water. He set them down on the coffee table and stood around awkwardly. He wasn't sure exactly where to go now. Evan was slumped over next to Princess and was petting her head absentmindedly. Distress was practically radiating from him. It was clear that he was in pain, and it made Jared feel helpless. He was such a bad 'friend' (if that's what they were now, he wasn't entirely sure). Evan looked up at Jared and thanked him.

  
"Are you feeling okay? You don't look too well," Evan questioned. Jared insisted that he was fine, but Evan knew better. "Can you sit with me, please? We all just need to relax." He patted the space on the couch next to him. Jared rolled his eyes and huffed, but he did not object. Evan watched Jared's body language and frowned. "I'm sorry that I upset you. I feel absolutely-" Evan attempted to apologize.

  
"It's not you, alright, it's me. Yeah, it really hurt before, but it's getting better and that will heal. But the problems I have with myself aren't gonna disappear like that," Jared interjected. He was so sick of Evan blaming himself for everything.

  
"Do you hate me for liking guys, Jared?" Evan asked plainly. Jared shook his head and insisted that he couldn't care less. "Then it doesn't make much sense to hate yourself for the same thing. I know it's uncomfortable to talk about," he said with a chuckle. "But it's important that you know it's okay. There's not much I can do to change your mind, but I am always here for whatever you need." Evan looked away from Princess and over to Jared, who was crying.

  
Jared felt the shame from that morning flood back into his body. He didn't even know which emotions he was feeling; all he knew was that there were too many of them. Exhaustion prevented him from fully reacting to his oncoming panic attack. Instead, he just slouched forward and let the tears flow. After a few seconds of Jared's crying, Evan moved closer to him. Jared's breath hitched when he felt a hand on his back, but he didn't move away. He slowly raised his arm and wiped the tears off his face. How embarrassing.

  
"You okay?" Evan muttered. Jared put a hand over his mouth and let out a shaky breath. That was enough of an answer. Evan sighed and draped an arm around his friend, pulling him close. Light from the TV got trapped in the tears, highlighting years of teenage confusion. The arguing among families also served as nice background noise; Evan hoped it could mute his own sniffles. His grip on his friend's shoulder tightened. He closed his eyes to block out the gloom. A cold hand had laid over his own. Jared hesitantly leaned into Evan's side.

  
"Are you crying?" Jared breathed. In response, he got a nervous laugh. A sudden realization of what was happening condensed in his mind; he wasn't pushing Evan away. He was finally expressing his emotions, even if that meant just crying all day. Internal hatred began melted away, slowly but surely. "Why are you crying?"

  
"I'm crying because you are," Evan murmured. Jared smiled before taking his hand off of Evan's to take off his glasses. Dried-on tears are hard to see through, and Jared wanted to take in as much of this moment as he could. He cleaned the lenses on his shirt the best he could.

  
"Really?" Jared asked in disbelief. He pushed his glasses back to the bridge of his nose and tilted his head up. Sure enough, Evan's eyes were red and puffy. Although there were tears rolling down his cheeks, he was still smiling.

  
"Yes, really," Evan laughed gently. In the soft glow of flashing colors, he looked ethereal. Jared couldn't even begin to think how he'd managed to end up here. His heart practically stopped when he locked eyes with Evan. In turn, Evan went completely red. They sat like this for a while; until Jared glances away for a split second out of nervousness. He suddenly became hyper-aware of everything that was happening. He became aware of his breathing. He became aware of the warmth of Evan's arm around him. He became aware that the distance between them was lessening.

  
Everything seemed to fade away. The only thing Jared could think about was the fact that he was kissing someone; that he was kissing Evan. It was soft and a little awkward, given that Jared had never kissed anyone before. But this was a good place to start. The kiss didn't last too long, because both boys were still being cautious, trying to find where boundaries lie. Jared knew that he was flushed, but he hoped Evan didn't notice.

  
"Sorry that was kinda lame," Jared said, looking down. "I haven't exactly done this before." He wanted to just go on about how much he loved his friend and all the cliche feelings he was having right now. However he figured he should just keep that to himself at the moment.

  
"I haven't either. Well-I mean- I have, like, with Zoe and all, but this is different," Evan stammered. "Now just because-y'know- but this means something. You actually know me for the weird social anomaly that I am. And it means a lot." He continued on for a while, but trailed off when Jared enveloped him in a bear hug. Evan returned the gesture, resting a hand on the back of Jared's head. "Are you okay, now?" he asked.

  
"I guess so," Jared sighed, loosening his grip and pulling away slightly. "Do you want something for your eye? Like a warm washcloth or something?"

  
"That'd be great, thank you," Evan answered. Jared smiled and slowly got off the couch. Once he'd reached the linen closet, he just grinned like an idiot. Everything was just so hard to believe; people were actually interested in him. Alana was open to being friends, but Jared still wasn't completely sure what his relationship to Evan was yet. Whatever the relation was, it was enough. When he finally moved to return to the living room, he paused when he heard Princess meow.

  
"Thanks, Princess, I really owe you one. I don't know what cats like, so I'll bring you some catnip or something," Evan spoke. Jared laughed under his breath. He decided to stay in the hallway for a little bit longer. "You forgive me right?" he whispered. Princess just meowed lowly, obviously more interested in sleeping than holding a conversation. Jared strolled back into the main room and handed over the washcloth. Evan smiled.

  
"Does it help at all?" Jared questioned, sinking back down into the overly-padded couch. Evan nodded and gazed over at Jared, who was still blushing.  
"What are we now? Like, what should I call you?" Evan asked through nervous laughter. Jared just looked away and shrugged. They were both acting like antsy middle-schoolers who just discovered what dating was.

  
"I-I don't know, are-I mean," Jared sputtered. "Are we, like, dating? I don't know how this shit works."

  
"Only if you want to, y'know, but yeah, that'd be great,"Evan said, rubbing the back of his neck. The room felt stuffy with anticipation. Jared blurted out words in agreement almost instantly. "Really?" he asked, beaming.

  
"Yes, really," Jared assured. Even though everything had been settled, neither of the boys knew what to do. Evan shifted closer to Jared's part of the couch. Jared felt the same arm around his shoulder. He looked over at Evan, who still looked slightly worried. Jared snuggled into Evan's side, letting him know that everything was fine. Everything was going to be fine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thank you for taking the time to read this! i hope you all enjoyed reading it as i had writing it.  
> shoutout to Puglebug for requesting this! it's nice to know that my work is good enough for people to request things for. it really helps my low self-esteem. anyways, thank you to all who comment, i can assure you that you all make me smile! :) see you next time!

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this made you sad (i project my problems too much). i will make this situation much better in the next chapter!  
> also, if you cared enough to read the notes, hello and thank you!! you are lovely, thank you for the support <3


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